The New Sexuality: Slow Sex And Organic Orgasm

Posted 1:25 pm, January 16th, 2012

by Zestra News

Today guest blogger Pamela Madsen, Integrative Life Coach and author of Shameless: How I Ditched the Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure…and Somehow Got Home in Time To Cook Dinner, discusses redefining orgasm. Learn more about Pamela at www.Being  

Women are redefining the definition of orgasm into something completely female.

Women are redefining orgasm in a brand new way for themselves. They are no longer willing to be held hostage to definitions of orgasm that follow the male model of erection and ejaculation. Female orgasm has so many different expressions, and women who buy into this masculine model that is all about the clitoral climax often find themselves feeling somehow dysfunctional and sexually broken. This can not only destroy their sexuality, but can also permeate other meaningful aspects of their relationships.

But there are new leaders emerging in the land of female sexuality, and they are out of the box and working to be taken as seriously as the Dr. Laura Bermans of the world. I am proud to say that I stand with them. And we are talking a lot about orgasm.

It’s all about a different definition of orgasm than we are taught.  As Nicole Daedone author of “Slow Sex” put so well.  “It’s not going to be that fleeting moment of climax that seems to take the whole rest of the act hostage. It’s going to be a definition of orgasm that actually works with a woman’s body. Rather than trying to stuff a woman’s body into an ill-fitting definition, we’ll have a definition that works with what the woman’s body does.”

Organic Orgasm

When I first wrote about “Organic Orgasms”, New York Magazine Intel called it “The House of The Un-American Orgasm”. Why the push back? Do people really believe that Organic Orgasms or Slow Sex is about less pleasure? Au Contraire! That thought is so opposite to the truths we have learned and are trying to teach.

Let’s try to break this down. Let’s start by acknowledging there are different types of orgasm and the experience of orgasm – even the language of “Orgasm” – can be confusing to many people. What do we mean by “Orgasm”? And how can we improve on it? For the sake of this discussion, I am talking about rethinking orgasm and all of the language associated with it including: climax, vaginal orgasm, clitoral orgasm, full-body orgasm, male ejaculation, female ejaculation, G Spot orgasm and just “getting off”.

When we talk about orgasm, most of us think of it in terms of our desire to fulfill any of these experiences. I don’t believe that any of these types of orgasms should be the goal of every sexual experience or connection for either partner. We get so stuck on this idea that the outcome of every quality sexual intimacy must be the climax for both partners and succumb to the extraordinary amount of societal pressure to get to home base that we miss the whole game.

In the new definition of orgasm, climax can really be an afterthought – something that will probably happen but is really not the ruler used to measure the act. There is so much pleasure and intimate connection that can be found in taking the time to explore sexual arousal as a goal in itself. Having climax focused sexual experiences can rob you of all of the different types of connections and pleasures that can be found in sexual intimacy. We can be tortured with pleasure and play in sensation. If you have never done this – apply some Zestra and just wait a little while and see what I mean!

The crux of what we are talking about when we use the term “Organic Orgasm” is an experience that is not defined by the climax, but rather by the incredible feelings that can be generated and savored during sexual intimacy and arousal – and that are not described anywhere in our male-dominant dictionaries.

Too often, the experience of climax is put out as the measure of a joyful and meaningful sexual experience. It’s like our culture views sex as a sporting event (Sorry, New York Magazine!). Once we get on the playing field of sex, the only way to score is to get to home plate.  Isn’t that what we’ve been taught as young sexual beings – that the entire goal of sexual contact is to score “a home run?” Somehow, if we don’t get to that climax we are supposed to feel like we lost the game.

It’s time to change the rules of the game – and look for support along the way.

I have a good friend that was determined to experience female ejaculation, so she worked with a hands-on therapist in a workshop for hours and hours and hours. She was going to experience this type of orgasm no matter what. Well, after far too many hours – she did. It sounded like a war – not an orgasmic experience at all – at least to me. I abhor all of this new pressure to achieve and experience these specific forms of climax, that made my friend go to battle to get her female ejaculation! She was not alone.

New age sex educators are running workshops on “G Spot” massage and female ejaculation all across the country. It’s not just important to just have an orgasm and a climax, we have to try to have the latest kind! All of this hype around the various types of orgasm can lead many of us to believe that climax is ultimately the most important part of any sexual encounter. If we don’t have one of the various flavors of orgasm, our lovemaking or sexual experience (even self pleasuring) will be deemed unsatisfying or a failure. So many of us are really missing the boat of what could be if we would simply stop running around the playing field and sit on first base for awhile and feel what we are feeling!

Pure Pleasure

I contend that having “climax focused sex” can actually work against people having beautiful sexual connections and being able to experience organic orgasm in all of its flavors. In my world, sexual arousal is really not about having a “climax” – even though climax’s are yummy when they happen! It’s really about drinking in the stages and sublime pleasures of connecting, touching, giving and receiving, and intimacy.

If the goal is simply to achieve climax rather than to experience all the different types of connection and pleasure that is possible with our sexuality, I would rather skip it – but I don’t like to eat fast food either. I believe that the organic orgasms are the ones we need to nourish ourselves emotionally, physically and spiritually. We just have to make room in our busy schedules for their presence. They don’t need to show up during every sexual interaction – but if we stay on the path to connection and give up making climax the focus of every sexual encounter – we will find that organic orgasms – like organic, free range and slow cooked food – are what we need to fulfill and preserve our relationships with our beloveds and with ourselves.

It is time to re-educate ourselves about sexual pleasure. We have become such a quick-fix, goal orientated society that we forget that an easter egg hunt is not about the egg – it’s about running around the backyard!

For me, and for other female sexual revolutionaries – female orgasm is defined by each unique female. The beautiful thing is that when you allow women to define their own experience of orgasm – this entire concept of ‘frigidity,’ becomes some old wives tale. Let’s replace that with the incredible journey of discovering what each woman’s orgasm is for her. Help her discover it, and understand how her orgasm works.  Let’s support her in exploring the untamed sexual pleasure that is available in each woman’s body.  Zestra can help.

I am very curious about what you think about this concept of Slow Sex and Organic Orgasm? Let’s expand the conversation – and leave me your comments!

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STOP THE PRESSES! Zestra is Now @Zestra on Twitter!!!

Posted 5:13 pm, January 12th, 2012

by Zestra News


Zestra – your favorite arousal oil (and ours, of course) – has done the near-impossible. We have actually ACQUIRED the “Zestra” Twitter account and will be using THAT instead of “ZestraRush”…

To repeat – the lovely, top-quality sextastic news will be appearing on your Twitter feed under @Zestra instead of @ZestraRush.

But fear not, dear readers! If you’re currently following us, this requires ZERO CHANGE on your part. (If you aren’t currently following us, you should!) We just wanted you to be aware. Because we’re good like that.

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The Four False Fantasies of Fornication

Posted 8:30 am, January 5th, 2012

by Zestra News

Most people have sex in beds. This makes sense. Beds are horizontal. They have comfortable sheets. A bedroom is generally private. So why are so many people interested in having uncomfortable, challenging and potentially embarrassing intercourse in other locations?

“Because it’s AWESOME…”

…At least that’s what we’re told.

But is it awesome? Below are four places reputed to be excellent for hot hook-ups. But between them, you can expect to be cut, squished, bitten by bugs and stuffed full of sand. Some might call that less “awesome” and more “humiliating and painful.”

Of course, there are always different strokes for different folks…

False Fantasy #1: The Haystack

sex haystack fantasy

“A roll in the hay” is a popular American idiom for a quick and painless sexual encounter. But have you ever rolled in hay? Or even touched it? It’s rough. It’s itchy. And it will CUT YOU faster than a Ritalin-popping teenager with Mom’s razor. Add the potential for various creepy-crawlies and Rodents of Unusual Size, and you have an experience more befitting a Turkish prison than a romance novel.

False Fantasy #2: The Beach

sex beach fantasy

Blast you Hollywood! Who doesn’t watch the famous scene in “From Here to Eternity” and want to be swept into similar passion – waves crashing over sun-kissed hot bodies rolling in the silt? Sounds like a dream…

But the dream is a lie. One word: Sand. Sand everywhere. Between your toes, in your eyes, up your nose and yes, in the unmentionable areas – most of all in the unmentionable areas. Unless peeing shore grit for days is a personal goal, beach sex should be more of a pariah than Casey Anthony.

False Fantasy #3: The Mile High Club

sex airplane fantasy

The myth of the Mile High Club as a source of male and female arousal is potent in our United States. Perhaps it’s the plethora of transatlantic flights, but Americans seem particularly compelled to have intercourse in tiny plastic bathrooms, mere feet from their fellow passengers.

These brave (idiotic) souls, jacked up on half-cans of Diet Coke and mini-pretzels, sneak their way into airline commodes, determined to do the nasty. Sometimes they succeed – to be faced upon exit with scowling flight attendants and the reak of unchanged diapers.

But who are these people who want to have sex in the aviation industry’s version of a clown car? Most people find airline travel uncomfortable enough without adding a bout of Trashy Toilet Twister to the equation.

False Fantasy #4: The Woods

sex forest fantasy

Ever since Lady Chatterley spent a few salacious afternoons banging her gamekeeper in the forest, literature has judged the woods to be a sexy, humping Mecca. But it’s fairly apparent that D.H. Lawrence didn’t actually spend his sexy time outside. Between the sticks, rocks, broken bottles, used condoms, Snickers wrappers and random pieces of crime scene tape, the last place you should be getting naked is under the elms.

And, if that’s not enough to convince you, consider bird poop. Nothing kills the mood like being torpedoed by a loogie of white, gloppy avian excrement.

So there you have them: Four legendary locations that may not live up to the sexy images created by books and movies. We invite you to visit them for yourselves and share your experiences below.

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Zestra Helps You Get Over the Hump: Week 9

Posted 1:09 pm, January 4th, 2012

by Zestra News

This week’s for the ladies! We have wall-to-wall, front-to-back, top-to-bottom hot guys. From Kevin Costner’s sex quote to Ryan Gosling’s slamming abs, this Hump should be easy to get over.

Video of the Week

For those of you who just can’t get enough of your partner:

Sexy Quotes from Sexy People

Kevin Costner

“Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you’re not good at them.” –Kevin Costner in the movie “Tin Cup”
“Despite a lifetime of service to the cause of sexual liberation, I have never caught venereal disease, which makes me feel rather like an Arctic explorer who has never had frostbite.” –Germaine Greer
“Sexual intercourse is kicking death in the ass while singing.” –Charles Bukowski

Hottest Men of the Movies

Let’s take a closer look at some of today’s talented leading men! (And by “talented,” we mean both professionally and physically…)

Matthew McConaughey

Matthew McConaughey

Breaking onto the scene with a starring role in “A Time to Kill,” Mr. McConaughey has become as famous for his abs as his acting. Recently engaged to his longtime girlfriend, this hot dad has two kids at home.

Brad Pitt

Brad Pitt


Antonio Banderas

Antonio Banderas

Melanie Griffith’s significant other is aging wonderfully, gaining the panache of a Cary Grant or George Clooney. Last seen in the bizarro film “The Skin I Live In,” we can look forward to years of Mr. Banderas continuing to improve with age.

Colin Farrell

Colin Farrell

After skyrocketing to the A-List with his stellar performance in “Tigerland,” Mr. Farrell has hit a few career bumps in the road – but luckily none have affected his stellar mug.

Ryan Gosling

Ryan Gosling

The “It” boy of the moment, Mr. Gosling is an amazing actor as well as being stunningly handsome. After romances with Rachel McAdams and Sandra Bullock, word has it he’s currently dating Eva Mendes (who’s no slouch in the looks department, either).

Bradley Cooper

Bradley Cooper

Though he stars in a series of gross-out movies (see “The Hangover” and partner), there’s very little gross about Bradley Cooper. Between the perfect teeth and year-round tan, Mr. Cooper is the stuff dreams are made of.

Jake Gyllenhaal

Jake Gyllenhaal

A member of a famous film family, Mr. Gyllenhaal was slated to be a movie star from the start. From a cute kid in “City Slickers” to the hot marine in “Jarhead,” we can’t complain.

Derek Luke

Derek Luke

Starring in Denzel Washington’s “Antwone Fisher,” Mr. Luke immediately garnered attention for his good looks and terrific performance. Since then, he’s appeared in “Lions for Lambs,” “Friday Night Lights” and did a great turn as P. Diddy in “Notorious.”

Robert Downey, Jr.

Robert Downey Jr.

Funny and handsome? Pretty much the perfect combo. OK, so he had some drug issues at one point, but luckily, they didn’t affect Sherlock Holmes’ handsome brow.

Clive Owen

Clive Owen

The Man Who Would Be Bond lost out on that part (to another hot guy – Daniel Craig) but certainly won the genetic lottery.

Ryan Reynolds

Ryan Reynolds

Though the “Green Lantern” flamed out at the box office, there’s nothing not hot about Ryan Reynolds. Check out that torso!

Comment below to tell us who we missed!

Sex tip of the week

Cell phone sext

Make Sexty Time
Being apart doesn’t mean you can’t be prepping for time together with a few salacious texts. Something spicy and sensual works best (and it’s often easier to communicate your more racy thoughts via technology than in person). Remember to watch the X-rated missives while your significant other is at work, however – you never know who might pick up their cell…

The results of last week’s Facebook poll

Question: “If I could hook up with any historical figure, it would be…”

The most interesting responses include…
“Eartha Kitt in her 20s / early 30s”
“Charlie Chaplin in full costume makeup”

You can see all the crazy answers here.

Check out our Facebook page to vote on this week’s poll question: “If I met my celebrity free pass, I would…”
a. Ask for his / her autograph
b. Invite my husband / wife for a three-way
c. Drop trou then and there
d. Vomit before bursting into tears

Results will be published next week!

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Zestra Helps You Get Over the Hump: Week 8

Posted 8:30 am, December 28th, 2011

by Zestra News

2012 gift box

It’s T-minus 3 days and counting until 2012 rocks our socks off (more about that below). Hopefully, you are still filled with merriment and cookies – and only returning to work for a brief couple of days before launching hard core (via ball drops, Jell-O shooters and glitter) into the Mayan apocalypse. But, let’s face it, if we’re going down, what better way than with a loving partner and a little Zestra?

Catch you in the New Year, Dear Readers.

Video of the Week:

Sexy Quotes from Sexy People

Sophia Loren

“Sex appeal is fifty percent what you’ve got and fifty percent what people think you’ve got.” –Sophia Loren
“I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.” –George Burns
“Don’t have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.” –Steve Martin

Sexpert of the Week – Natalie Lue

Natalie Lue

Our Sexpert-of-the-Week is Natalie Lue, a witty relationship professional from the UK who gives insightful advice on the dynamics of dating. Ms. Lue’s website – founded in September of 2005 – is one of the world’s most popular relationship sites.

“I launched BaggageReclaim as a tongue-in-cheek guide created to discuss the complexities of being a woman, the choices that they make and the dodgy men that add to their load. Bored of reading headlines like ‘X ways to seduce your man’ and stuff about trapping/catching men that aren’t looking to be caught, I wanted to bring something different to the table,” says Ms. Lue.

Ms. Lue’s savvy, pragmatic advice is both entertaining and motivating. For example, she encourages women to stay away from commitment-phobes and players, calling them “Mr. Unavailables” and “assclowns.”

While she exposes some hard truths to her readers, Ms. Lue also provides a shoulder to cry on and constructive, actionable advice. She says she wants to give people “better relationships and better sense of self.”

Sample blog posts:
“Advice: How do I deal with my abusive boyfriend?”
“Defining Assclowns: Men You Shouldn’t Want to Date”
“Relationship Advice: He’s abusive and possibly a narcissist but I love him. Will he change?”

A former advertising executive, Ms. Lue claims that she finally learned to stand up for herself after years of being attracted to “Mr. Unavailables.” She has been featured on SkyNews and BBC radio and in newspapers like the Daily Express and News of the World. Her book Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is currently available on

Natalie Lue tweet

You can follow Ms. Lue on Twitter @baggagereclaim and us

Sex fact of the week


Sock it to me
According to researchers at Groningen University in the Netherlands, couples who wore socks to bed orgasmed at a 30% greater rate than those who did not (80% with, 50% without).

The results of last week’s Facebook poll

Question: “If you could have sex anywhere, I would have it…”
a. The Aggro Crag 45%
b. On top of Brad Pitt 27%
c. In space 9%
d. On top of Ryan Gosling 18%
d. In a church 0%
c. On The Planet of the Apes 0%

Check out our Facebook page to vote on this week’s poll question: “If I could have sex with a historical figure, it would be…”

The most interesting answers will be published next week!

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Zestra Follow Friday Returns!

Posted 8:30 am, December 23rd, 2011

by Zestra News

Zestra wishes you and yours a Happy Holidays! (And really hopes you’re reading this by the fireplace at home.) Our Follow Friday for this week will be brief; we have last-minute presents to wrap just like the rest of you! (And not ALL of it is arousal oil.)

So we recommend taking a look at the following Twitter feeds:

Susan Mathison

Susan Mathison Twitter

Allison Braun

Allison Braun Tweet

Nicole Daedone

Nicole Daedone Tweet

Hillary Rubin

Hillary Rubin Twitter

Amber McCue

Amber McCue Twitter

Sherri Nickols

Sherri Nickols Twitter

Joy Nordenstrom

Joy of Romance Twitter

And remember to follow us for the latest and greatest in sex news!

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